Crimson Tears and Slit Wrist Ch1 My Broken Fukuta
by Chrona4Shirotsubaki
Summary: My first story here and it's a yaoi between GinxKira. Major angust, cutting, sadness, and comfort. Izuru hurts himself because the pain of loving Gin so much and knowing he won't return his feelings cuts deep into his soul.
1. Chapter 1

_Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists_

Chapter 1

My Broken Fukutaichou

In the begining it was mere admiration, amazement at his shire beauty and skill. Then he learned more about him and everything changed, wether for the better or the worse. Soon he was much more than just his captain, his superior in so many ways. He is untangible to him. He is the being far from his reach. All he ever desires is for his gaze to look upon him. To love him as much as he loved him. To have his ever presented smile for him. He wants nothing more than to feel his icey cold touch on his less chilled skin. But... he knows he'll never love him, never will carress him passionately. It is that truth that drove him to the state he is in now.

Izuru Kira is once again all alone in that dark room of his. And once again his zanpakuto is turned to his already scarred wrist. Both of his slender wrists have slanted reminders of the abuse they must go through practically every night. Some were just red marks, others were fresh and raised. He wouldn't give them the time to heal, so this is how it has to be. The pain he felt within his shattering heart needed something to be compared to. These cuts were the closest he could get without killing himself or having visible proof of his lost sanity. If his shihakusho wasn't so long, he didn't even want to imagine what others would say about the gashes he'd made all along his arms. Soon he'd have to move on his legs.

His arms were getting too weak to go into battle. Like that mattered anyways. With the amount of blood he has spilled in his greif he won't last much longer. 'Maybe it's better if I just get it all over with and end this meaningless exsistence.' He thinks time and time again. If death was the only way to make his suffering end then he'd do it had he be stronger than he is. The idea of leaving his beloved taichou, Ichimaru Gin, was unbearable. Though his misery was because of that sly mysterious fox. Izuru loves him so much. He didn't know why, but he does. He is this amazingly beautiful creature that had captured his heart without even knowing it. His snow white skin and purpleish white hair had blinded his eyes so that no other could catch his attention. His unique personality and unknown past had enchanted him so that nothing else could be on his mind.

And despite his affection, Izuru feared him more than anything in the world. Yes, death is a less frightening thought than Ichimaru. He is a demon that hides behinde a sinester smile. Death fears **him.** The mere sound of his name sends the poor blonde into uncontrolable trembling. Hearing that smooth accent made him hiperventlate later on if not at that exact moment in time. Ever since he can remember he has always perfered to look away as to not look directly in the face of his terrifing taichou. The grinning fox made his heart stop repeadtly that it's shocking he hasn't died of a heart attack yet. When ever Gin would casually lay a hand on his shoulder or come too close to feel his breath against his face, Kira would nearly black out then and there.

He wasn't afraid he'd hurt him, though he kind of was when he was unusally uneasy. It didn't make since really. Can someone love someone so unconditionally that they could die from anxiety from their presence? Surely not. There was someting wrong with him. There had to be. And there had to be a reason as to why Ichimaru would tease him endlessly and tortuously. His wonderful nightmare seemed to enjoy flustering him and making his breath hitch higher whenever he got the chance. It happedned just the other day that he'd done the same thing. Izuru was hurring to report to him, hoping he wasn't going to be late. His efforts went to waste. He was late. Ichimaru had taken advantage of his unstable panicing mind when he was apologiesing. He had apperaed to be angry and frowned disapprovingly, a gesture not many ever saw. Then some how he had cornerd the scared emo to the wall, changing his anger to seductive whispering that nearly made him lose it. Nothing happened; nothing more than cruel temptation, which caused him more pain in the end.

So this is how he came to find comfort in his blade as it slices away at a defenceless vein. Izuru's depression was put at ease as he watched his blood fall to the floor. He has never felt true happiness and nothing has come close. Sometimes not even cutting brought much hope. Another vein is attacked merciouly. By now he feels nothing at all as he begins to slice his other wrist. No tears came to his eyes anymore as they had when he had began this routine, no groans or whimpers escaped his lips, and there was no longer the need to curl up into a ball to writhe in agony. He has become used to his torture. "I'm so pathetic."

Suddently, he hears footsteps approaching his room. Normally he'd ignore such interuptions, however he'd forgotten to lock the door. Of course. ' Maybe they're just passing by.' he thought as the blade went deeper, causing blood to flow freely. His hope vanished as the door slowly opened and revealed his worst nightmare, Ichimaru Gin. At that instant he completely froze. The least person he wanted to see him in this disgraceful state was here, trying to make out his figure in the darkness. "Izuru?" The sound of his calm voice is intoxicating. Ichimaru closes the door as he turns on the lights to stare in shock at what is before him.

Izuru looks down and trys to hide behinde his bangs; hide from the shame. The room is silent, except for the drops of blood falling down his arms to the hard floor. 'Please... just let me die now!' He pleads to himself as he struggles to surpress sobs. Before he can react, Ichimaru comes up to him and slams him to the wall, tightly gripping the color of his shihakusho. Wabisuke is left in the little pool of blood. "How can ya do 'his to yer 'elf, Izuru?!" He demands rather than asks. The shakened blonde only stares at him with wide eyes of fear. "Ansa meh!" He shouts, pounding his underling roughly against the wall.

Izuru begins to tremble to this and whimpers into histaric sobs. He has finally reached his breaking point. The older male is stunned by this reaction. Why was Izuru doing this to himself? Why inflict pain on himself? How could he do this and not think of how others would feel, especially his captain? Seeing his fukutaichou in this condition sent devestating blows to Gin's hidden heart. He loosens his grip on him and gently lets him back on his feet, which didn't last long since he just collapsed afterwards. Gin still held his arms up and could see the full extent of the damage Izuru had done. His stomache oddly turned at the appalling sight. He knew all along he's been depressed since he first met him, but he never once thought it was this bad.

"Izuru, calm down." He says soothingly to hush the frantic bloody mess. Though, it's useless. Tears run in sorrowful streams, blood smears everywhere, his body shakes, and his terrible weeping is agonzing to hear. A soul can't go on like this. He's gong to break, no, he has broken! Izuru frees his arms from Ichimaru with an abrupt jerk and then uses them to cover his face, having his bood smear into his hair, mixing crimson with pale gold. The shame... The embarrsement... The fear... The regret... The sadness...

"I-I-I'm sor... sorry! C-Capt-tain I-I... ah... Forgive me!" Izuru stampers desperately. He couldn't stand to have Ichimaru mad at him. His dear taichou meant the world to him. He may have disgraced himself, but if Gin would smile again as he usually did to hide his true feelings then he could pull whatever was left of him up. But if he didn't, he'd let the rest of the pieces fall. "P-Punish-sh m-me! Hi-it....e.... I d-d-d...on't care. I've d-disa..... appoint-ted-ed you." Yes, being punished by him would be quite deserving. He has always feared being hurt by the fox, always was sure not to be too close even for an accident. But now would be appropiate for such violence and abuse. And perhaps he'd find enjoyment in causing him physical pain.

"I won' do tha ta ya, ya knows thas." Ichimaru whispers, sympathetically rubbing Izuru's sides. This act only makes the timid boy choke on a ghastly sob. "Izuru, don' cry."

"I-Ichi-chimaru-ta-tai-taichou... I'm, I'm, I'm... sor..."

Gin sighs and pulls Izuru close to cradle him into an embrace. His arms held him protectivately as he placed his chin on his shoulder. Not a sound came fron the disheaveled boy when Ichimaru spoke in a melancholic tone. "Mah brokn' fukutaichou."


	2. Chapter 2

**I'd like to begin with credits since I completely forgot to do that in the first chapter. I do not own Bleach in any way or form, it's all Tite Kubo. Forgive me for the OCCness the characters will have. I try to get as close as I can with their habits and what not. Oh, and please review and throw in any ideas you have that can make this so much better than what it is now. My focus isn't entirely on this since I'm also making this other story that's non-fanfiction. I might put it on my yahoo account if I get any encouragement. Well now back to the what matters....**

Crimsom Tears and Slit Wrists

Ch.2

Healing That Which Can Not Be Healed

Izuru never was so afraid in his entire life. His beloved captain, Ichimaru Gin, the man that drove him into insanity, had his arms wrapped tenderly around him. He was so close, his body not even half an inch away. The room was silent as time seemed to end. Izuru didn't know what was going on, but what he did know was that it felt so good to feel his body pressed to Ichimaru's. It was wrong to think this way, especially since the older man couldn't possibly feel the same. In fact, he must've felt the opposite. But still... being able to hear the heart that many didn't believe exsisted was simply breathtaking. His tears slowed til they ceased to come and his trembling was crushed to nothingness.

"Izuru, why? Why hurt yer self?" The silver haired fox asks of him, pleading in every word. He sounded like he was the one sobbing. He couldn't really be that upset, could he? All this time the blonde never once thought this man could ever care for someone as useless and pathetic as him, but there was something in the way he just spoke that contridics that theroy. "Please, tell meh." There it was again. That quiver in his voice. He begs another time, embracing the boy tighter. He gently rubs his back and then pets his head, bringing him closer to his own. Izuru couldn't take it. He was drowning... going under.... breaking.... Gin's caring side is going to be the death of him!

The fox was always this impossible to reach creature who'd never think much of him. He knew well that he'd never bother to touch him intimately. Being in his arms had forever been a dream of his. Being the center of his attention had been a wish thats now come true. However, why'd it have to be now? What would make him so concerned now? It was too much. Far too much for the shattered soul to bear. His heart beated rapidally as his breathing strangely slowed. Everything was turning dark. His surroundings, himself, his taichou- everything. 'Is this what it's like to die in bliss?' He wonders before falling unconcious. Ichimaru could tell something was wrong. His underling was no longer tense and had laid heavily on him. He pulls him away to find he has passed out. It is only now that the man realises the blood soaked on both of them. How it gathered on their cloths til it look as if a murder was commited. The boy's arms hadn't stopped bleeding and so it had drinched the front of their shihakusho. Despite the fact his mind was in a state of panic, Gin stayed calm. He had to.

Time went as fast as raindrops fall from the sky. Each minute hit before realisation of it fazed one's mind. To Gin they couldn't have come sooner. Everything had came in a blur or a quick flash. When he was quicking carring Izuru to the fouth divison, as they desperately tried to keep him alive for his heart kept giving up, when he was forced to bear witness to his fukutaichou's several seconds of death, as paniced medics rushed in and out before their time ran out. It was all sickening to watch. Just the sight of his little Kira's paling skin tied knotts in his chest.

And so now he found himself at his bedside after the comotion was finally over. Izuru had survived. Just bearly yet still alive. That's what matters. There was IVs, blood bags, a breathing mask, tubes, cords- everything that was absoutely needed into him. His heart rate was dangerously slow. Captain Unohana said if he was alone when he cut that last gash, he would've died. The though made Gin shudder, even now. To think that he'd been cutting himself this whole time without ever being noticed. More importantly the fact no one knew he was suicidal! And it was so obvious. Just by looking at his depress face, constant hidden fear though clear to see in his eyes, antisocial behavior, and habit of over drinking would've, no, should've gave it away. But no. With or without the signs no one saw it.

If anyone was to blame it was him, his captain. After all, it is his duty to look out for his squad and keep their welfare in check. Gin sighs deeply for the hundredth time that night, guilt weighing down hard. "How coul' this 'ave happin'?" A pointless question, but one that was asked just to be asked. As if to answer, a soft groan came form Izuru. Gin automatically came to attention and stared intently at his awakening failure. He stirred slightly before pain crossed his ghostly face as he slowly opened his eys. At first his dazed mind tried to function correctly, then panic came when realisation hit dead on. The heart radar increased at an unnatural pace. His forced breathing made if difficult to hiperventilate with the air mask and tube down his throat.

Fearing his fukutaichou was in danger again, Ichimaru yelled for help and jumped up beside the terrified blonde, trying to soothe him as best as he could. "Shhh. Calm down, Izuru. Calm down." He whispers as he pets his head and holds him down so he wouldn't hurt himself in his struggle. Long slender arms embraced him, startling him at first then unknowingly comforting him. "Now no mor'. Jus' lay still, Izuru, lay still." These unsually sof whispers of care wrapped a secure blanket around Izuru, protecting him from the pain that never went away. Gin carefully guided him back down on the bed and brought the white blanket up to his chin. Though he did look somewhat better, Izuru was in no condition to be doing much of anything.

Gin hated to see him like this, so vulnerable and fraile. Nothing like the Izuru who could hide behide his bangs and keep up a facade none even thought to question. His veins were so thin and it's a wonder they hadn't run dry. His hair was a mess and some how made him look dead to the world. The mere image threw flaming daggers at the taichou's heart repeatedly. It was horid! Death was a cruel bitch, teasing and taunting its victims before thinking to have them or not. When a soul already decaied inside from the very core of his being, it decides to have its fun. If anything it was funny in a dry sense of humor. They were soul reapers, those who keep the balance between life and death and yet they were just the same as those they save or harvest. Had this been different circumstances, Ichimaru would've loved it with the interest of learning such a way.

So in all actuality did that make him a hipercrite? To love the game of manipulation, but to despise it when its played on what he cherishes? What of that? What would Aizen say if he'd found out that his snake in the grass was soft for a certain broken blonde? No, this isn't about Aizen. In the end, he'd find a punishment for weakness. However, the time was still far away. The only thing to think over, to worry, to care about, to help was Izuru. Aizen be damned! His attention was only going towards the unfortunate body trembling on this bed infront of him. He looked into those melancholic eyes, those vacant misty orbs. If years of practice to keep in control and hide true feeling wasn't a factor, he wasn't sure if he could contain himself now as the one he cared for was just a shell.

"Ca-Cap..." The soft voice snapped Gin out of his random thoughts to direct full attention on the boy.

"Wha' is it, Izuru?" He asked, concerned clear and smpathy in everything feature on his face.

"I... I wanted t-to say..."

"SORRY! Sorry, I know I'm late, but Hanatarou fell and knocked over a whole cart of medical supplies all down the hallway before you enter this way." A female nurse said in a rush as she finally hurried to check on Kira. 'Took 'em long enough.' Gin thought as he impatiently waited in a corner for her to do what she was supposed to do ten minutes ago. Ichimaru wasn't exacty a patient man. Now the games he played, sure they could be a long term deal. As for things of importance... not so much. The girl checked the IVs, wrote things down on her clipboard, asked Izuru a few questions on how he was doing, wrote his bearly audible responses down, and then asked Ichimaru to step out of the room with her. Once outside, she closed the door and had them go to the other side of the hallway so Izuru wouldn't hear them.

"By the way ya hav' handled thin's, it's serious?" Gin asked at out of suspician. The girl only had to look at him to anwser. Her sober face said it all.

"I'm sorry, but yes. Yes, it's serious. His arms have so many cuts all over up to the shoulder blads. The ones we can see on the surfaces, you know the scars and freshly made gashs, are pretty bad. What's got us worried are the ones we can't see. They have really done a number on his muscles so to say. He'll need physical rehabilitation just to remain within the Court Guard. No fighting or stress for awhile. I know it's going to be hard since he's your fukutaichou."

Gin nodded, but wasn't really concerned about the duties Izuru won't be able to due. It wasn't as if he couldn't do them, he just wouldn't like it. If anything he could have someone else take the job for however long it took for Kira to be alright again or for once that is. "Yeah, jus' a lil'."

"I can imagine.... His physical health, while as bad as it is, isn't the real issue. From what Captain Unohana has said, his mental and emotional health is uncertain. We've helped patients like him, but he is another case. I'm not going to lie to you, Captain Ichimaru, he has an extremely deep depression and to make it worse, an uncontrollable suicidal habit. We can give him some medication for the depression, though I'm afraid a strong suicidal need as this is going to be a problem area. He will need supervision 24/7 with someone he trusts. If he is left alone he might cause harm to himself or, well, maybe even kill himself."

"Ya mean you're goin' ta hav' im locked up?"

"Just until his wounds are healed. From there he'll be allowed to someone capable of watching him. If there is no one who can do so then he can stay here or I'm sure Captain Unohana will put him in great care. She might even take the job herself."

As all of this sinked in, the third divison captain made up his mind. He wasn't going to let just anybody be responsible for his Kira. Not even the more than highty qualified Captain Unohana. He would take care of him, watch over him for all the times he had turned his back on him. He'd made the mistake of looking past those sadden eyes for far too long. No anymore. Not ever. "How long will it take fo' 'is injuries ta heal?"

"Um, about six weeks, maybe more. Why d-"

"Imma goin' to watch 'em. I won' take no fer an answer." 'I'll neva' let somethin' like this to 'appen again. For the time I'm here, I'll watch 'em. Nothin' will hurt 'em.'

Strong words from a determined mine. If only they knew what lied ahead. Help. Life. Love. It is not to be. For when spirit is at a loss, confused of what there is, self doubt is there. Always. Like the darkness surrounding the damned, fate has set a course. There is no future. The one who laid in that bed in room 555, no longer had a will to give. Tears slid off of slick cheeks, thoughts stirred around.... The only sight was of the darkness mixing in a sea of blood.

**I know this is kind of a filler and isn't all that good, but I want to save the better parts for chapter 3. This one may suck for now. Ah, I've lost the true depth of this! Some helpful ideas will be greatly appreciated. Unknown date for the next chap. I'll try to hurry and get my mind flowing again. So please bear with me here.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is Chapter 3! Sorry it took so long. My mind just refuses to cooperate with me and stay focus on one thing only. You know, I've got over seven stories on hold because I can't concerntrate long enough to finish them. I must have ADD, seriously! My attention span is shorter than a knat's! Well on with Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists.**

Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists

Ch.3

When Everything Has Been Said And Done.... I Say Goodbye

Weeks went by like years before Izuru was finally allowed to be placed in Gin's care. Those six pain-staking weeks had taken their toll on both the fukutaichou and taichou. It wasn't bad enough that the boy had be stubborn during his time of rehabilitaion, but also shut himself even further into that tiny world of his. No one could get him to talk. No one could get him to smile. No one could reach out to him for he wouldn't grasp their helping hand. Sure he let the medics give him pills that he surprisingly swallowed without a fight, let them give him shots, give him daily exams for his well being and to see if any self-inflicted wounds were made, and occasionally would nod or shake his head when a question was asked. But that was not what would help his emotional and mental state. Thinking that trust worthy friends might make a change, Gin had asked of Renji, Momo, Hisagi, and Rangiku to try and communicate with the little shut-in. And to his disappointment, they weren't able to coax a single word out of him.

Renji did his best, but was just to socially uncomfortable with discussing things to make suicidal feelings not so taboo. Momo was able to touch him, giving him a hug when her kind words didn't recieve a response. Hisagi was close at breaking the barrior. A sound had escaped Izuru's throat that could've been a sign of some short. Rangiku tried to cheer him up with the promise of a party with plenty of sake. To say the least it only seemed to sadden him more than he was. This had all happened three days before the day had come for Unohana to decide if the blonde was really ready to be in the care of only one person. Most believed he wasn't. Not even those in his squad when news had gotten out. So that is where it left the silver haired fox infront of squad four, waiting impatiently for something he didn't know of. He could go in now and find out the answer, however, something dug at his mind. It was annoying as hell and just simply would not bother to let it self be know as to what it was. It was absolutely frustrating!

Ever have that nawing feeling that something's wrong or maybe you're just going insane? It certainly isn't pleasant. Being a man who can figure every one out and every source of their thoughts, intentions, feelings, and fears, Ichimaru hated not knowing what that inner maddnes was. If only he could ignore it. As if that small relief was going to happen. Nothing in this lie of living was easy? Gin stepped forward with a deep sigh and prepared for whatever misfortune had to throw at him. It wasn't too long he had to wait to be greeted by Captain Unohana. She gave him a reasurring smile as she led him down to the special ward where Izuru was kept. It was clear to see that she was trying to put the uneasy taichou nerves at ease as she talked of little things that he had no interest in. Things like how it was such a nice day, how well her newest subordinates were doing, how there seemed to be less patients today, and how Hanatarou had made a serious improvement on his healing abilities in so little of time.

All things just to distract him from the greater issue at hand. The older woman was nice, but sometimes that lovely kindness just makes you want to.... "Captain Ichimaru, I must warn you that Lieutenant Kira may not be very responsive." She said, thus distracting him from thinking that last thought too far. Ideas like that wouldn't do, not now at least. "If he trys to ignore you or push you away, don't get mad. He still doesn't seem to want to be around others yet. I'm sure this is only because of some inner battle with himself. He might feel shamed of himself and can't bear to be with those who he believes he has betrayed by attempting suicide."

"I understan'."

Captain Unohana stopped in front of a door marked only by a number. She gave him a look that practically said, 'Are you sure you're ready for this?" Gin nodded and they entered the room. The place was as everything else in squad four, white, plain boring white. White washed wall surrounded the room, a white couch laid in the middle, three white tables acompied the space as with various little things he didn't bother to look at on them, and white chairs here and there. He knew that if he ever was surrounded with such disturbing cleaness, he'd go mad. The 3rd taichou look all around, but didn't see his troubled fukutaichou anywhere. Then there was footsteps coming out of one of the smaller hidden rooms.

Soon a less pale Izuru Kira came into view. He was dressed in a long white garmet that just bearly hugged his delicate body, his hair was neatly brushed in the usual style, and maybe it was his imagination but Gin swore he could've seen a lighter gleam in those beatiful eyes. Each step seemed stronger and yet still so weak and strained. Once the blonde emo caught sight of him, he quickly looked down. While this did in fact stab Gin right in the heart, he kept that ever presented smile unfazed. He had had it ever since entering squad four and couldn't let it down until they were alone. Only his little Izuru could see his true self. Others may see the smile, Aizen saw the pain he caused, but Izuru was the only who could gaze upon what can be called compassion.

"Ello, Izuru. Ya look... good." Not even he could believe that. The boy still had the apperance of death on him. "How'd ya like comin' with meh? It'll jus' be you and meh, no one else. Imma goin' ta look after ya now, Izuru."

This sudden declaration definently got a response. The blone actually looked up and stared straight into his taichou's eyes, something he would never do before. Was there fear in those quivering orbs? Shock? Happiness? Whatever it was, Captain Unohana knew. She patted Ichimaru on the shoulder and left the two alone. The air around them was full of tension as if it was a fog, flowing and building in perfect tune. A heart beated rapidally.... Time froze..... A body stunned..... A smile fell....

**I know I said this is chapter would be the better one, but I've decided that should be for chapter 4 since I wanted to go back to Izuru's POV. The next will have the epicness. I'm working on it right now and might have it on sooner than when this one came. And yes, it will be more interesting than what it has so far... I hope.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ah, sorry for the wait. I can't believe how long this took and it's so short too! I've been so overwhelmed with homework and other stories that I lost my muse for this. Got it back now so hopefull the next chapter won't take as long as this did.**

Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists

ch.4

If You Really Trully Love Me, Let Me Go

Days passed by as the seasons do yearly, brining new becomings and endings at every twist and turn. During those times Izuru Kira spent every waking moment with his beloved crush, terrifing taichou, unresistable desire, Ichimaru Gin. He stayed at his home whenever they felt like doing nothing or if he didn't want to be around people. Sometimes they'd walk freely around the Seritei, never a real destination in mind. Gin gave him nice meals without complaining what was served. Work was forgotten completely and left for someone else capable of doing them. And then when night came, he slept in the same bed as the fox. This was only because he couldn't be left alone and he told himself this ever time. However, secretly he liked to even if that was the underlying reason. Whitelinings can be enjoyed, can't they?

Nothing seemed as if things had changed when they had so drastically. Why did it feel like this was how it was supposed to be? This unreal normality was only ever disturbed when his watcher would say things like, "I was worried about ya, ya know" or "Please, don' ever scary meh like that again." When such words were spoken it hit hard and guilt sprung like a stubborn weed. Then there were those other words... when they were alone together. Gin had admitted if that's what you should say about caring for the boy. Things along the lines of affection. That he felt the deepest despair standing helplessly as medics rushed to keep him alive. That he couldn't bear to go through that again. That he was the one he cherishes the most. Those dearest moments were the best for Kira, when he thought he felt... happy.

Gin kept a close eye on him just as Captain Unohana had advised him to. He did whatever he could to help the one he held close to his heart. Izuru wished he was able to show how much all of this meant to him. But his voice he did not trust. His emotions he would not allow to break free as they had before. He himself was not allowed to be free. If so much as a hint of his feelings for that man were to come to the surface.... Well whatever he would've promised to do never came into play. For Gin was a perceptive man, and finally forced the anwsers out of him. It had happen one night at Gin's home. He had tried to get Izuru to tell him why he had done what he had done. He had avoided the topic for far too long and would not except silence any more.

"Why?! Why, damnit?!" He burst out, pinning the blonde up against the wall as he had done on that fateful day. "Why? Why everything? Why not tell anyone, tell meh?! How could ya jus' do i' without thinkn'? I don' understand none of i'." He went down to his knees, brining Izuru down with him. His bangs hid his eyes, his grip loose on those slender arms, his body shaking, his voice breaking. He was practically near histarics as he begun to talk again. "Izuru, tell meh. If anythin', jus' give me one simple ansa." Kira was beyond shocked by this. The man before him.... this was not Ichimaru. This man held saddening anger and confusion in his eyes. This man seemed helpless, like there wasn't one single thing in this world he could do. This man was breaking. Ichimaru Gin was strong. He held emotions in tack no matter what. He could do anything even if it was impossible. This man may look and sounded like him, but he was not the taichou Izuru knew.

"Ta-Tai.... Taichou... I"

Gin looks up expectantly. This was the first in when he couldn't remember that his fukutaichou had spoken.

"I'm... I'm sorry."

"No, Izuru. Don' be sorry. There isn't anythin' for ya to be sorry fer. I should be sayin' that. I couldn' sheild ya from harm, not even from the harm ya did ta ya self. I won' make the same mistake again, Izuru."

_'No, this isn't your fault, Captain. The blame goes fully to me. It is because of my weakness.... my impure feelings.... my love for you that caused all of this trouble.'_

"I should've looked out fer ya wellfare like I'm supposed ta."

_'I should've been_ _stronger. I should've been tossed out with the trash long ago. I shouldn't be your fukutaichou.'_

"I just didn' know how much pain ya were in. But I try to do what I can to help ya, Izuru. To make up for not seein' befo'. "

What had started out as a desperate session for confession, turned into heart-filled promises to change. None of these processed in the mind of the blonde emo. Regret as strong as the hatered towards a friend's killer can not be put at ease so easily. If only Gin knew this then he wouldn't had left Kira alone in bed to see Unohana for an important meeting. He thought the boy was fast asleep, that he wasn't going to wake up any time soon, that everything would be the same when he returned. How wrong we are when things are calm for an unsual anount of time. Izuru was not asleep. Dark thoughts had been running rapid through his mind the entire day. Now reason and these thoughts collide together to create a mixture of chaos.

_I look alive, but I'm dead inside. Why must I continue this?_

I can't let Taichou down.

_My hear is filled with holes. Not even he can fix that._

He wants to help so badly. He seems to truly care for me.

_No, he doesn't understand. He can't ever love me. I can't even feel such a feeling anymore._

I can love. It's burning away into a fierce flame.

_It's hard to face the world all the same. Love is just like a pain pill, numbing the misery only teomporarly._

Without knowledge of doing so, Izuru was out of the bed and heading to where he knew Gin had placed his sword. His mind was nothing more than whispers in his ears. His feel acted upon their own will. Time came in flashes. He held his weapon of choice.... The blade is as cold as ever.... Heart beating growing ever more louder.... Breathing rough and forced.... Trembling.....

_Everything may seem great and everyone true, but its fake. The world, the justice, the people._

No, that's not the way it is. Everyone is worried.

_No one know how I feel or the darkness that consumes me to no end._

With one strong thrust, he stabs his own sword into his stomache. The blade slices through his skin like butter as he cuts open his adbomine, joyful for the intense agony it brings. ' My blood is crimsom.... I wonder why it's not black like the scum in sewers? That would be much more suiting.' His vision blurs into the darkness he knew so well as he drops his sword and falls to the floor. A pool of blood surrounds him, his insides threatening to spill every where. The night was silent as if in respect to a death, but such a silence only meant tragedy. None could've possibly know what was happening behinde closed doors. Then again, no one ever does until it rises to the surface to be shot down by society.

"Goodbye.... Ichimaru..."


	5. Chapter 5

**I give my thanks to Lanny9000990009 and borninthedarkness for reviewing on this. I don't know where the idea for it came, so not much could be done with it. I do intend on making more dark fics, especially for this pairing and others in Bleach. I've been listening to sad song after sad song just to get back into the mood of this. Sadness and Sorrow, Morning Remberence, Will of the Heart, ya name it. Gotta warn ya, I get a little poetic at the end and some ranting out of nowhere come and go.**

Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists

ch. 5

The Love is Lost.... The Life Shattered.... The End

Horror. Pure soul-crushing horror hit the third captain as he stared at the dreadful scene before him. Blood.... There was so much blood. It was everywhere; the floor, the sword, in the air, in his sight. The smell was fresh, strong and disgusting. Pale gold soaked in gleaming crimson covered the fukutaichou's face as the pool around him grew every second. How could this have happened? Wasn't he making some progress? Why do this? How could he just.... What went wrong? So many desperate questions filled Ichimaru's mind that it seemed this terrible terrible moment was to last a century. Was he too late? Was Kira dead? He feared the worst, but was even more afraid to find out for himself. He had just been gone for thirty-two minutes..... Izuru had been asleep, he could've sworn he was..... He had hidden his sword so well..... Everything was fine when he had left!

With hesitant steps, Gin slowly made his way towards the bloody blonde, heart drumming in his ears louder than thunder. "I-Izuru?" No response. He feels under Kira's bleeding underside for his wrist. Oh, gods, there was so much blood! A tiny pulse bearly came from that wrist, but it was still there. Bringing his hand back, Gin knew he had to waste no time. Flipping over his fukutaichou probably would've resulted in an even worse predicument than what was at hand. The boy had tried Seppukuu, which meant his organs might be pushing out of the giant gash. 'To think he'd do this again....' As much as it pain him to just leave Izuru on the cold floor, Gin flash-stepped back to the fourth divison where help could be found. Again the events that unfolded next came in quick images. Him telling Captain Unohana what had happen.... The medics rushing to the scene with him on their heels..... Izuru's body being turned over and wrapped before anything fell out..... Back at squad four's hospital.... The same commotion as before, except more frantic..... Deja vu....

This time around he couldn't be with Kira. He had to stay out in the waiting room for he was too much in shock to handle a second struggle to revive his dearest underling. Hour after hour he sat waiting anxiously for someone, anyone to tell him how Izuru was doing. No one ever did. Such horrid thoughts invaded his head as he fell into a pitt of despair. 'He really done it this time..... he killed 'imself.... I should've stayed.... I shouldn't 'ave left 'im..... he's really done it..... he's gone.... I've lost 'im...... I've lost Izuru....' Gin let out a long distressed sigh as he rubbed his eyes. He was so tired, so worried, so confused, so helpless. After all that he had done to help Izuru, he still wanted to die. What was it that made him want death so much? Was someone hurting him, abusing him that made him want to be free of that hurt? Was someone sexually abusing him, raping him and making him keep quiet? Is he afraid of something? Is it just an over-powering depression? What is it? Why? There were so many questions with no answers. Nothing could be simple for a change could it? Not once in this fucked up life could it be simple for the tortured?

Life had no mercy for Izuru Kira. Life had no mercy for Ichimaru Gin. Both were the unlucky winners of being ignored by chance. Fate planned to destroy any and every pleasure living held instored. Yeah, things sure are fair in this world, aren't they? A world where misaligned justice ruled, where the hurt suffer through more pain, where the innocent lose that precious innocence, where bastards call the shots, where the strong are blinded by sweet decpetions, and where evil is even in the purest of places. Truly there was no end to the great circle of lies. Though deep down inside, Gin knew some of what has happened to him, he deserved. Lying to those closest to him and decieving them was a crime awaiting to be punished. Sure he'd take that punishment, but not if it involved Izuru. He did not deserve to go down like that. He was so far above him. So good and innocent. Why did it work out in the opposite? Though in all actuality, this was the best punishment that he could be given.... to have his beloved suffer endlessly without him being able to help.

What came down from all of this was that he simply couldn't go on without Izuru. This really took Gin by surprise.... He truly did care for him. He loved him. Even in now as misfortune spun its web with carefully laid tragedy, he laughed. To think that such a realisation could be made now of all times! It made sense though. No matter what the fox tried to deny before something of admitting to love his underling, he knew rejecting the knowledge was an even greater lie than that sinester smile he wore. Now if only it wasn't too late for this unspoken love to be told to the one that matters most.

If only.... Unbeknown to the silver haired man, time had no patience for over due endearment. It wanted to wrap cold hands around a tender neck and squeeze the life out of the vessal it belonged to. For that is the will of the world. To take, but not to give. When it gives, a dark lining always awaits beyond the wonders. Forever a knowing now a harsh crushing blow. Tears... Always falling.... like rain drops.... The beauty of crystal diamonds descending from the soul's looking glass. Beating.... It's amazing. That even when the heart may be wounded so, it will still beat on. Everything continues as if nothing is wrong. The blood flows. The eyes gaze. The ears hear. The wind blows. The earth turns. The trees grow. The people live and die. Life goes on....

Is this how it is supposed to be? Is nothing precious than these simple moments? What we love will leave us. What we cherish perishes. What we care for decays. What we grow dies. It is the way our dear circle of life spins. Happiness along with sadness.... Joy and love.... Pain and hate.... All are merely what come and go. As do with the life of one. One will die today and another will be born. And so on and so on. There is no changing fate.

Have we been betrayed by fate? Equvilance does not seem to apply to the way things are. Does it not seem that there is more down sides than up sides? That all our heartache has nothing to be restored by? It just isn't fair, but then again what is? Is it fair for the lost to lose more? Is it fair for the hurt to suffer? Is it fair for the poor to be poorer or the rich richer by the poor's last penny? Is it fair for a child to be abused when they have done nothing to deserve such neglect? Is it fair for the good to be torn apart by this unforgiving world? Is anything fair at all?!

As souls exist to be what they are, in the end it can all be destroyed. Battles are waged in war. Greed consumes the tainted hands of society. Pride is lowered. Respect a thing of the past. Love tarnished and forgotten.

**Oooh, is Izuru dead or is he alive? Heh, I'm such a cruel person for cliffhangers. Again, sorry for the pointless rantings and poetic ending and all. I sometimes get a little too into things. Heh... *sweat drop* During the part where "bastards call the shots" and so on, I was thinking of Aizen! It's not that I don't like him, but I just thought if Gin had hidden hatered for him then something along those lines would be in mind. Oh, and don' worry... there's another chapter coming!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here is a little something I thought would be good to not only add suspense, but also a little insight in the mind of our despairing Izuru Kira. Naturally, this is in his POV.**

My Personal Game of Russian Roulette

If you play.... you play for keeps. It is how my life has been. Nothing but the fear and pain. The game was set when I first met him, that clever fox. The trigger clicked in place, waiting til the time to be pulled. Then I had been terrifed.... later I had been terrified.... now I am terrified.... However, an underlining affection was born that day. A feeling I wish never had seen the light of day. Was there a test that I was supposed to pass? If so, I have failed miserably. Misery. Agony. Love. Hate. Pain. Anguish. Oh, yes, I have failed.

I should've pulled the trigger. There were so many times that I should have done so, but never did. After falling hopelessly for him, when the torment had begun, while he held everything so perfectly in his version of balance, before he knew.... What was it that attracted me to sinful desire? His smile? His eyes? His power? His voice? His calmness? In the end, I'll never know. That is how it is supposed to be. The weak must suffer and be ridden of. I followed him to no end. Always following behind him as his shadow. Always... Always there, though never noticed.... Always the aftermath of his amense presence.... Always.....

My life flashed before my eyes.... and all I saw was him. He was my life, wasn't he? At least all that was worth fighting for. What was the goal, the mission, the desire, the need. Yet, how did it end up like this? This fear of him that was acompanied by love? Pathetic.... That is what I was. My own weakness of loving him and dragging him down was what set the solid line. I did not want him to fall to disgrace, to be a disgrace as I. Though, I truly wish that I could have been braver and told him how I felt. I left him.... my comrades.... my friends.... I shall never see another sun rise as I had done with him when he decided that he did not want to sleep on that night. There he was, seeming more increditible in the red ray of the sun coming into the morning. I was there to witness this. Those private moments are what I will miss the most.

So many have died the same as I. So many didn't get the chance to say good-bye. I was of that many. I couldn't say good-by to the ones who stood by my side, to the ones closest to me. And most importantly to him. I wanted more time to see everyone. I wanted to go through the simplty of daily enjoyments like I used to before the gun came to my head. But it is too late to see the value of my life. The gun was him, Ichimaru Gin. The bullet was my love. The trigger my despair. All together they made up my demise....

My heart raced, pounding in my chest.....

A deep breath helped a lot....

My blade, my last salvation, my gun.....

Then I finally pulled the trigger and lost the game.....


	7. Chapter 7

**Hopefully these two chapters at once make up for the shortness.**

Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists

ch. 7

The Virus Called Life

Pain... Unberable red hot pain. It coursed through his veins, in every cell, in every organ, in his skin, on his skin, everywhere. So much that one could die from the agony, but he did not. He was alive. Izuru Kira, fukutaichou to the 3rd divison, was still alive. And oh how he despised it! Why couldn't death be merciful? He'd tried so hard.... gave up everything.... said good-bye with that final blow.... he though for sure that then had been the last time he'd ever see his own blood..... that that would be the last time his eyes would be opened and closed.... However, he had opened his eyes again. Blinked in the confusion all have when awakening in a different setting. Then cried out in the greatest despair known to a dying man. Tears over flowed from his anguish filled eyes, falling down pale cold cheeks. Hiperventalating was near impossible with that damn tube down his throat. Despite that fact, his body reacted in doing so, causing chocking pain to swell up from deep within.

'Wh-Why?! Why am I still alive? This can't be! This just can't be!! Ichimaru.... he saw what I did, I know it..... No, no, no.... I can't face him. Not now not ever! I can't go on...' His panic caused medics to rush in and have him forceablly restrained. They strapped him down to bed by his wrists, forearms, ankles, knees, stomace, chest, and even neck. By the time they were done, he couldn't move no matter how hard he tried. The realisation broke the final form of sanity he had. There was nothing more. There was no Izuru Kira. What laid helplessly in that bed was no longer the calm fukutaichou of the 3rd divison. That person was gone the moment that very first cut was placed upon his wrist. The person who was here was someone unknown, someone who can not be helped. Beside him, a dark haired medic looked at him sadly as he injected something into arm that made him numb. Then he blacked out once again.

Back in the waiting room, Gin was beyond anxious. He had been sitting in that room the entire night to noon. Twice Unohana's fukutaichou had checked up on him and had advised him to go home. She had asured him that Kira was stable enough to be considered in the grey and that they had everything under control. But it wasn't enough for him. He needed to be able to see him. To know that he was going to make it without a doubt. To hold his hand and feel warmth. To talk to him. Yes, talk to him! He had to know why he wanted to die so much. He had to hear the reasons, no matter how much it would pain him to actually hear them, and finally not be left out in the dark. But more than anything he just had to hear from Izuru himself. This can't go on. The constant switching between fine, then suicidal, to fine by physical standards, to almost completed suicide. It was madness!

Another hour passed.... another stressful hour passed before a dark haired medic entered the room, giving him a useless uneasy smile. "Um, I-Ichimaru-ta-taichou.... you may c-come see him now." He didn't need to say more for Gin to jump up and be utterly ready to follow him. The boy lead him down a couple of hallways to hault at a door near to the end. "He's i-in here... Ca-Captain Unohana wante-ed me to warn you that h-h-he shouldn't be awakened yet. Not u-until he's come around by himself." Gin nodded, understanding fully and wanting to see his little Kira as soon as possible. The boy opened the door, but timidly grabbed ahold of the fox's sleeve. "Uh, sorry, Captain, but.... she a-also wanted me to te-ell you that when he does wake up, call for us immeditaly."

From the apologic / concerned look, Gin knew that this boy meant that Izuru would need to be sedated. It made sense. Knowing how he's been lately, he would most likely go into a panic state. His heart wouldn't be able to take the strain, especially from the damage its already endured. As Ichimaru entered the room, the first sight was the last sight he wanted to see. Izuru was strapped down to the bed like he was a threat. So many needles, wires, and tubes were in him. Gin had to repeat to himself that all this was needed, that it could help Izuru in the long run. So with a deep breath and a final nod to the medic who closed the door, he went to the chair beside Izuru's bed. He merely stared for the longest time, listening to the heart monitor and the breathing device. Kira was pale. Paler than he has ever been. His hair was a mess and his face.... it was as if the pain he felt on the inside was etched on his face. Gin wondered what his skin felt like if he looked this bad. He gently took ahold of his hand in his. Just as he figured.... ice cold. But at least there was a pulse running faintly in that wrist.

"Izuru...."

As if just speaking his name was enough, Izuru stirred slightly, slowly yet surely coming back into conciousness. Gin snapped to attention, staring intently at the blonde.

"Izuru?"

**So, will Izuru freak out? You be the judge. Lets see how ya think things will go down.**


	8. And All Things Will End

**Wow, I've been away for some time, huh? I've been ignoring some fics I was supposed to have done sooner than what they have been. Blame my workaholic teachers and over crowded life. So much to do and not enough time. Plus, I've been reading this long book and I got distracted. Well here is more of poor Izuru-kun and grieving Gin.**

_And All Things Will End_

_If you want to make things right.... just lend a little light_

_ ~*~_

Tired darkened blue-green eyes slowly open, giving sight of a startling cruel world of white. Again he would awaken to this, however he wouldn't understand why. Why must he repeat the motions of life? Can one really be considered alive if they merely are a hollow shell with nothing to live for? Sure they breathed and their heart beated, but are they really, truly alive? Without any will the body goes on, the spirit remains in it's fleshy form, the soul stays in it's prison.... Is that what it is to not be dead? If it helps the pathetic, then yes it is. What an existence.... If Izuru could be consumed by the darkness that was now fading, he would offer himself in an instant. But no, he was be greeted by the light, fearing the sound of what seemed to be a voice. One that he couldn't believe was speaking to him as he lay there unable to run away any longer.

"Izuru? Izuru, speak to meh." Yes.... it was him. And he wanted answers. Refusal wasn't an option. Silence wouldn't be accepted. This chasing after the truth would end here, finishing the constant cycle before it terminated in the worse way possible. Whether he was going to talk willingly or by force was another matter. Ichimaru had, absolutely **had** to know what was really going on here because if he didn't, there wasn't any point in anything. _'I want to know.... I have to know.... I need to know!!' _In all his life he has always been able to read people without any problems. Nothing was too challenging for him that he couldn't figure it out in due time, but with Izuru Kira.... That isolated blonde single handedly changed this. He stepped into the water and stopped the current's flow, disturbing it into confusion. His existence was like a forbidden book a child wasn't allowed to read. Gin had tried to reach the self where it was hidden only to be caught and scolded. The thirst for the knowledge those pages held was unbearable long after the mission failed.

"Izuru, ya must tell meh. Please. No more of dis. Please. Speak to meh." _'Anythin'. I jus' want ya to say somethin'. Lies, truth, whatever. If it'll end this then say it.' _

The blonde emo merely stared at his taichou, shocked and afraid. Should he tell him at last the reasons why he now lay in this bed, strapped down like some kind of rabid animal? Should he risk the rejection he knows that'll come? Should he suffer through such a confession? Why not? He was already dead on the inside, so why not ruin the bond he had with Gin? In the end he would find a way to die. At least then that man would know why he had killed himself. '_But I can't do that to taichou.... it's not his fault. I can't. I won't.' _"Go away." _'It's for the greater good. Just leave taichou. We've been playing this same game more than we are capable of. Spare us both the self inficted agony.'_

"What? Izu-"

"I SAID GO AWAY!" The boy screams despite the fact a tube was down his throat, causing him to have a terrible coughing fit, struggling in his bindings desperately. By this time the heart monitor was going crazy just as the one it was hooked up to. The silver haired man jumped to his feet and simply stood there helplessly. Did Izuru hate him that much? What had he done wrong? How could this be? Questions. Always questions with no answers. Will there ever be something to fill in the blanks?This was just too much.... for the both of them. Walls had to come down. Bridges needed crossed.

"Izuru, I love you."

_'W-what?!' _The room went silent as if time stood still at that unexpected phrase. Izuru's heart literally skipped a beat; the proof was clearly heard on the heart monitor. Gin couldn't have just said that. Those four words couldn't have possibly come from him. Impossible... Unbealivable... He wouldn't..... But he just did. Kira was beyond surprised now, even the one whom those words belonged to couldn't fathom what had passed through his lips. Deep down the feeling was clear and yet went unreconized for so long. He hadn't really thought of them when his voice decided to say them. It just happened. A soul bearing confession came out from within, crying for another to hear. Now how that other would react was what held the pieces together. Those words.... those spoken words..... those forsakened words.... '_T-Taichou.... no..... it's not true. Don't torture me this way..... Any other way; hit me, hurt me, yell at me, say that you hate me, detest my being..... But don't..... Don't tell me such a cruel lie.'_

"Izuru, I- you've always.... I love you. I 'ave always loved ya. From the moment I saw ya."

A nurse runs into the room, startling the two, but not concerning them much. "I came as soon as I could! Is everything alright?" She asks, looking frantically from Gin to Kira.

"Yes, but don' sedate 'im. Give meh some time with 'im. Just this once."

"But Captain Ichimaru, Captain Unohana said to-"

"Just a few minutes."

Whether from fear or sympathy, the girl bit her lip in frustration and nodded her head. '_Do I sound so defeated? Guess so.' _In truth, this despair was his greatest strength. "Do you want me to close the door on my way out?"

"Yes, and could ya relieve 'im of that tube down his throat. An' the straps."

"Um, I think it's ne-"

"He's 'aving a hard time breathin'.... an' I need to talk to 'im."

The girl just stood there, unsure of what to do. Should she listen to this poor man or to her orders. In the end, the look on that face, the one that now seemed naked without a grin, won over her subconscience. And the patient was indeed able to breath without the asist of machines. So disobeying her own Captain, this girl did as the third captain wanted and carefully took off the mask and then began to take out the long tube. Izuru had his eyes squeezed shut with a look of disgust and pain across his face, letting out a groan when it was finally out. Next the bindings were undone. The nurse gave a bow to them both before leaving them to privacy. Time gave way, slowly easing its way to a comfortable mood. Gin stared at the floor, afraid to see his fukutaichou's gaze. The same went for the blonde who held one hand to his throat, now sitting up. Silence. Cold dead silence besides the grateful beeping to a life, which only added to the suspense.

"Do ya remeber that first day?" Ichimaru asks, still staring at the ground, giving a sad smile. "When we met? Ya were so scared.... Ya and yer lil' team.... Heh, first time out in dis dark world, wasn' it? There were hollows everywhere..." He stops as if trying to recall the faint memory when in fact he knew it by heart. The look of despair and fear upon a pale face, the bright sapphire eyes gleaming gloriously, shining golden hair of silk, a slim body shaking- oh, yes he knew that day well. It was the beginning of a game he escaped torment to play whenever he could. Never mind consequences. Rules were only there to be broken, were they not?

"T-T-Then you saved me." Izuru said in a whisper, directing the fox's attention from consideribly happier times. "You did it so quickly.... like it was the same as killing a fly. I couldn't help my friends. I was afraid. After watching you defeat all those hollows, I was terrified until you came over with Captain Aizen and calmed me down. Just like that I was alright.... except I wasn't. You were what I feared then, Taichou." Hidden eyes open to be caught by suffering dimmed orbs. "Be-becaus-se I, I, I.... co-couldn't stop think-king about y-you!!" Tears spilled out no matter how hard Izuru tried to stop them. "I'm sorry. I co-oudn't tell you-u. I don't.... I don't wa-want you to be dis-dishonored by such a disgraceful de-desire." He did it! He actually told Gin his secret feelings for him! And now he was crying right infront of him. The humiliation! Such weakness! If ever he felt like trash, it was now. He rubbed his eyes angerly, but still unable to control himself.

However unknown to the disheavled blonde, Gin saw strength and hope. The one before him, weeping, blushing in embarressment, ashamed, and maddened by his own insecurities, was a glipse of the old Izuru Kira. His lil' fukutaichou was still there deep down, even if he himself doesn't believe it. _'So dis is how it is. Oh, Izuru, ya lil' fool. To think ya would come to such thoughts.' _As much as it pained him to know that he was the cause of all this, Gin also was glad. His fukutaichou may have been ashamed of loving another man, but that affection was pure. It damaged him, ruining his sanity. But it could heal him, fixing the holes. All it would need is time, patience, and the love he had been depriving himself. The silvered hair man reach out and softly touch his underlings face, carressing away the tears. This got a gasp in response and a pause in those dreaded sobs. A gentle smile returned to where it always belonged.... light came back into once lifeless eyes....

_'Lets give this another try.'_

**Ah, finally done. Well not with the story, though it may be nearing the end. Now the real question is will is also be the end of everything? Can the matters of the heart heal with so many scars? Ya will just have to wait for the next chapter to find out. Farewell for now friends, Chrona.**


End file.
